Three years ago today I entered a dark and horrible headspace. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I’d got to the point where the vicious circle couldn’t stop.
That evening I’d been invited out to an event. It was a good night. I got dressed up, had plenty of chat and of course, there was a good deal of drinking. I still don’t know quite what triggered the final fall, but that night I left the party and headed home with a plan to never wake up.
Looking back terrifies me
The thought of returning to that mindset where everything is too much to deal with so death feels like a relief, well, that scares me. It’s the thought that I’m capable of thinking that way and whether it could return. And it has.
It’s a strange feeling to know you want to say goodbye to everything. I always thought suicide was a selfish act, but the reality is you feel like a burden.
There’s many reasons why people have depression. I’m working through mine with a therapist and I’m on medication. That doesn’t always suit my previous party-girl habit lifestyle. I’m having to adjust and take time to re-prioritise what’s important to me.
It shouldn’t feel like a taboo
I know a lot of people wouldn’t think of me as a person with such strong insecurities. I can certainly hand out my fair share of critiques. What has been inspiring for me is to learn that the people who I often look up to and respect are facing their own issues and crises.
Depression isn’t something we like to talk about. When someone asks how you are, we rarely say that we’re not doing so good. It’s seen as a sign of weakness. Changing that view has become important to me. I’m determined to help remove the taboo of mental health so that we can talk about it and actually help make things better.
I’m lucky to now be in a position where I can afford quality support. I have a job I love and am surrounded by amazing people who ‘get me’.
Right now, all over the world, we’re again faced with having to fight for human rights, gender equality and respect for diversity and inclusion, without sacrificing our safety. Now is the time to be powerful.
I want to feel content
Happiness used to feel like a state of being. An ideal or holy grail that we aspire to reach. Three years ago I couldn’t have told you how I felt but I am now beginning to recognise that to be content you have to live through the wonders and challenges you face day to day.
Some days are easier than others, but all I have to remember right now is that I’m lovely.
Here’s to the crazy ones
Who I am today is still a confident, independent, young woman. I’m passionate, strong-willed (although a bit stubborn) and a rebel. That’s how I like it.
After all, to paraphrase Steve Jobs, “it’s the misfits and the troublemakers who see things differently… while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.”